It would appear that I haven’t made a post since before Starcraft II came out – I am sorry about that. Whatcha having? … Hamburgers! The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. What kind? … No, I mean where they from, Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King? … Big Kahuna Burger! That’s that Hawaiian burger joint, isn’t it? I hear they’ve got some pretty good burgers, I’ve never tried one myself. Mind if I have a bite? … MMMM, that IS a TASTY burger. I don’t usually have hamburgers because my girlfriend’s a vegetarian and that pretty much makes me a vegetarian… but I do like the taste of a good burger.

Just use Zout Oxy Foam. It comes in a purple spray bottle and it may have saved my life.

My friend stepped in some gum on the ground without realizing it, then got in the car, pressing the old gum into the floor mat. If it wasn’t my dad’s car, I probably would have just taken the lazy route and left it until such time as it caused a problem for me, but it was my dad’s car, and I therefore couldn’t just ignore it.

Going in, I had no idea how to remove old gum from carpet, so I did a quick Bing search. The most popular answer was “put ice in a plastic bag and set that on top of it, then scrape it up with a spatula or dull knife,” so I tried that.

Pffft. Yeah right.

That got me nowhere, so I raided the laundry closet and grabbed the bottle of Zout Oxy Foam, which I guess is actually intended to soak a stain before you put it in the laundry rather than use as a carpet cleaner, but I’ve used it on messes in carpet before and it seemed to work. Still, I had no idea if it would do anything to gum, but I didn’t know what else to do, so I tried it.

I gave the gum good coverage with the foam and let it sit (I pretty much just let it sit until the foam fizzed away, so 30 seconds or so) then scraped it with a knife. The liquid that was scraped up on the knife was a pinkish brown and the gum was red, so I figured I was getting somewhere. I wiped the knife on a paper towel after each scrape and pretty soon, it looked… clean! After spending twenty minutes with ice and getting nowhere, it took me about five minutes with the Zout stuff, and that’s only because the gum was spread around and stuck in four or five different spots.

Of course, then I wiped up my workplace on the dining table with rubbing alcohol and took half the rooster designs off. Oops!

Is it just me or does something just seem off about spilling all your personal details and goings-on in a blog? While I find fascinating the blogs of those who do, I personally only feel comfortable talking about things that aren’t really that important.

I can talk about how I sat outside Starbucks with a laptop today and accomplished nothing, to be pleasantly surprised by the sudden appearance of Rachel, whom I hadn’t expected to be in Ellijay any time soon, much less on a Thursday night, showing up where I happen to be.

Past that, my deepest thoughts and fears and innermost feelings are not released into the everlasting ether of the internet. As Ghost Rocco said, real men hide their feelings. (By advised that this link is laden with colorful language.)

I was sitting here at my desk at work, and just moments ago, I looked out the window. There, about forty feet away, I observed a man walking down Sailors Drive with an air of malevolence.

This man was wearing a dark purple velvet sport coat, solid black shades, and had his short gray hair swept back. He was walking with a purpose.

I feel like he might have been an assassin. Something just wasn’t right about this guy. He was looking too cool for someone walking down a side street in a purple velvet sport coat.

I’ve noticed recently that adding guns to mundane situations can make them funny. For example, when swapping stories about scars, saying

I cut myself trying to cut a zip tie once.

is not funny. Instead, try

I stabbed myself in the finger once trying to take a zip tie off an AK47.

Now it’s funny. Here’s another example.

There’s my other flip flop! It was under the desk.

Not funny. Instead, try

There’s my other flip flop! It was under the M16.

I hope this helps you in your funnious exploits.

It’s that I hate this daily grind of

1. Wake up to an alarm clock
2. Eat breakfast
3. Brush teeth
4. Get dressed
5. Go to work

I dread the morning way more than I dread actually working. There’s got to be some better way.

is Hawaii’s way to say merry Christmas to you!

That’s all.

That’s right. The word: “analojeez”. You see, I was going to tag my last post with an “analogies” tag because of my genius Planters cashews analogy, but as I began to type it, it seemed infinitely more appropriate to write “analojeez”, because then it has a double meaning, you see. Not only is it an analogy, but it’s an analogy that makes you say “oh jeez”, therefore, “analojeez”.

It’s genius, I think I will patent it and you will have to pay me royalties whenever you use it, I swear it.

The WordPress default theme is boring and makes me look like I don’t care about my blog, which I don’t, but it’s always good to keep up my image.

So I strolled over to WordPress.org to look for something to take so my lazy butt doesn’t have to put an effort into being original. What I quickly realized was that they all look like blog themes. Dang it, I don’t want my blog to look like a blog. I want it to be a rectangle, but have the feel of a triangle. 

So, maybe I give in and accept that it has to look like a blog. If I select any one of these premade themes, I can rest restlessly knowing that somewhere, somebody else is using the same theme. It’s like buying a can of delicious Planters whole cashews with sea salt, getting home, and finding out somebody took off the foil seal at the store and left it to age, rot, and generally get nasty. Or poisoned it.

The point is, I want a unique WordPress theme. Of course I don’t want to put any effort into it, don’t be silly. Heck no, I’m not going to pay for it. If I had the resources in house, I’d do it myself for free!

This world is ridiculous and I wash my feet and my hands of it.